You can block out as many things in your life as you want to. Eventually the right moment will find you when you aren’t looking for it, or the right person is going to ask the right question that’s going to bring it back. It trickles in, in bits and pieces. Maybe it’s a 5 second moment on the trail that you identify a certain feeling. You don’t process it, but acknowledge that it’s there. Then one day it hits you like a ton of bricks. How did I not see or remember that?
A while ago my friend Matt asked me why I loved running so much. I recited an answer I had practiced so many times before perfectly polished with a smile that could surely sell my rehearsed words.
I’ve come to discover that I am completely transparent to him. With a half smile that said “I-don’t-believe-you” he then asked me what it is that I’m running from. I felt my eyes go wild, a surge of 3 different emotions that I immediately discarded, and looked away unable to answer.
The truth is – I can’t give a clear answer on why I love running so much. As people I think we tend to complicate things when it’s actually quite simple. Do what makes you happy. Should we feel like we need to be able to fully explain why? No. That’s the beauty of it. It’s your happiness. One day it might actually be about running, and the next it can be about experiencing nature at your own pace. As people we are constantly evolving, growing, and changing and so are the things we love and enjoy.
Today I can tell you that I love running because nothing else even comes close to the feeling of being so present and absorbed in the beauty surrounding you in that moment that time doesn’t exist. Tomorrow I might tell you that I love the feeling of being steps away from finishing my biggest run to date completely tanked and exhausted with a heart absolutely beaming at the thought of doing it all over again.
The other truth is – I’m actually not running from anything. Trust me, this was news to me as well. For so long I even had myself convinced that, “Dang, girl. You’re absolutely running from something, and I pray for those who are around you when you finally figure it out.” Well, that’s not true.
I’ve come to discover that I’m running towards things, and not away from them. Towards becoming a stronger runner so I can get up that mountain, and on to the next eager to find that confidence in my abilities so I can plan an adventure that is bigger than the one before it. Pushing past limits knowing that even if I previously failed, as long as I can look up, I can get up. Welcoming and acknowledging those unexpected glimpses of discovery when it comes to things I’ve previously blocked out with an open heart and mind.
Even when I can’t accurately communicate my love for running… as long as I’m running towards things, pushing myself, and keeping an open heart while on the trail in order to discover and be authentically, C…
I’m happy with that :)